Hi Fidelity

Of all the human behaviors that fascinate me, I’d like to understand this one most of all. It’s not so much that I don’t understand infidelity, it’s more that I don’t understand why we, as a society and as individuals, create an institution (marriage) that is so blatantly false as to be ignored at some point by one or both partners throughout their lives. Why do we pretend to believe that we, against all odds, will never experience adultery in our marriages? I’m obviously jaded, having been hit on by so many married men, but I have seen it happen even in the strongest, most loving relationships. Much more often than not.

In general, movies are kinder to unfaithful women than to unfaithful men. Male characters typically require no good reason to fool around and the results are often disastrous. As an adulterer in Fatal Attraction Michael Douglas pays a high price for his indiscretion. Again, as a near adulterer in Disclosure he faces serious consequences. The message is the same in both cases: bad things happen to a man who lets his willy wander.

But women in movies are often given good reason when they cheat. Often their husband is abusive or non-attentive. Even when they cheat for no good reason, they get off with little or no consequences. In Unfaithful, Diane Lane cheats, but the disastrous results are due to her husband's actions, not her own. Meryl Streep in Bridges of Madison County experiences no consequence for her infidelity and is in fact portrayed as an extremely sympathetic character. In The Notebook, Rachel McAdams spends a weekend orgasmic and sweaty in the arms of her old boyfriend before breaking off her engagement with current boyfriend. She gets to live happily ever after. Why are women given license to cheat? Do audiences dislike seeing a woman brought to ruin by her disloyalty? Does it reflect an actual cultural double standard in the way that we regard cheating?

I have seen statistics that show that women cheat more than men do. If this is true, and if film portrayal of it can be believed, then we can imagine that women cheat more because they are more unhappy in marriage than men are. Men, having less reason to be unhappy in marriage, cheat only for selfish reasons.

However, I don't believe this is the case. I believe that in real life, women face far harsher judgment in the community when they cheat. So the treatment of unfaithful women in movies is quite interesting.

I've never understood why cheating is so common. And the thing is, it’s so common that I don’t know why we pretend to be shocked by it anymore.
On one hand, I recognize our ridiculous cultural prescription that clings to the notion of mating for life. I know how unromantic I sound. Believe me, I can succumb to the thunderbolt of love as easily as anyone. I can relate to the desire to commit, to declare one's eternal devotion to another. I have done it twice. But when I look back on twenty years of adulthood, I'm in awe of the changes I've gone through as a person. How silly to assume that two people going through such massive change and maturity will always be happier together than apart. Not that they can't possibly do that, but it's pretty silly to assume they will! So yeah, I guess I understand that cheating is one way of handling that.

What confuses me is cheating as a more desirable option than ending the relationship. If your marriage is not meeting your needs, how is it improved by compromising your character and cuckolding your spouse? Stay together for the kids? The kids can handle a mature divorce much better than a family ripped apart by betrayal.

My analytical mind has come up with a few answers. For one thing, some of us crave drama. Nothing more dramatic than having an affair. Or sometimes the person you’re married to makes you happy and meets most of your needs, but not quite all of them. In an effort to get all your needs met at the same time, you keep the spouse and shag the neighbor on the side. And sometimes, as with my ex, cheating is a means of one partner holding power over the other.

And I guess for men, having more than one woman at a time is a strong fantasy that never really goes away. It’s the classic rock-star success symbol: scoring with multitudes of gorgeous babes. For the average man, two semi-gorgeous women is a close enough approximation to the ideal. Leaving one woman for another simply misses the mark—they have to be simultaneous.

But I believe in commitment, I do. I have to. It’s meaningful and true. I refuse to be so jaded that I don’t value honesty in my relationships. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it must be true while it lasts.