Pants on Fire

No human behavior has caused me so much tribulation and pain as lying. I know we all do it, to some extent. Some are really really good at it. I’m not naturally a liar. Not that I never do or never have, but I generally avoid that particular form of manipulation because I’m no good at it. So, since I don’t typically lie, I guess I expect the same from people and therefore am (have been) extremely gullible.

Obviously, being lied to isn’t really a problem unless you believe it. So, for me, learning when not to believe has become a priority. It’s difficult (but not impossible) to spot a liar in someone you don’t know very well. There are body language signals you can watch for and other kinds of signs, but when interacting with a stranger, I find it distracting to focus my attention on trying to remember and notice the signs of a liar. I wind up asking him to repeat himself because I’ve been too busy trying to see if he’s telling the truth to even hear what he said.

In fact, the better you know a person, the easier it is to catch their lies. Specifically, after you've caught them in a lie once, you pay closer attention and watch for the next one (and it will come). You learn their unique “liar language,” the tics and quirks they take on when they practice to deceive.

But regardless of how well you know a person, the most absolute and surefire way to know if a person is lying is if they say something that you know for a fact is not true. Brilliant, right? And it’s not as hard as you might think. All you have to do is know things. Random things. Things that may not seem important at the time; things you wouldn’t imagine the person would lie about, as well as things you think they might lie about. Just know lots of things, and then pay attention to what they say. Not only what they say, but pay attention to what it is they want you to believe. Does it contradict some of the stuff you know to be true? What’s the person’s motivation for wanting you to believe the Untruth—honest mistake, self preservation or sinister manipulation?

Here’s some of the “liar language” I have learned over the years:

1) The classic sign of a liar is failure to make eye contact. Remember Ian, the crazy Englishman whose every word was a falsehood? This eye avoidance was something I noticed right away but dismissed it as a cultural difference or perhaps shyness or insecurity. In the absence of any other signs of shyness, I should have realized he was a bullshit artist from the moment we met. His eyes were constantly darting off to the side, bouncing off my face as he talked, peering at something across the room as though he were myopic.

And my ex-husband the ogre, when he lied, he’d stare at the TV or something, as if he were so disinterested in the conversation he could barely remember what he was saying. If you can't see his eyes, he's lying.
When faced with a false accusation, we face our accuser with full focus and direct eye contact. When denying a true accusation, we angle our bodies away from our accuser and look for means of escape (eyes darting toward the door or glancing at a watch).

2) Mis-spoken or unintelligible words. Ian did this too. Postured as "I’m so shocked and offended by what you’ve suggested that I can’t even think straight or string together a coherent sentence!" But a person who truly has been wrongfully accused will communicate very clearly, wanting to clear up the misunderstanding and make the truth known in no uncertain terms.

3) Predicting your suspicions and being pro-active in defending against them. When he starts explaining something you didn’t ask him about, he’s lying. When you ask a simple, innocent question and find the answer is strangely long and drawn out, filled with explanations you didn’t ask for, he’s lying.

4) People look up and toward their stronger hand when imagining something. They look toward the opposite hand when remembering something. If you watch Clinton’s Monica Lew testimony, you’ll notice his eyes go up and toward the left. For most people, this would indicate that he’s remembering events as they happened, not making them up or concocting a story. Until you remember that Clinton is left-handed...(don’t get me wrong, y’all, I love Bill Clinton and I miss him. But he is a liar. Yeah, like any politician isn’t? Don’t get me started on Bush’s liar language. Okay, here’s Bush’s liar language: is his mouth moving? He’s lying.)

5) Liars will include lots of detail in their stories, to make them more believable, of course. But you’ll notice that no details are included that provide another person’s POV or reactions. Liars tend to avoid details that can easily be proved false.

6) Liars use the following phrases: "You don’t believe me, do you?" or “You gotta believe me! It’s true!” or “Please believe me.” One who is telling the truth expects to be believed. "I can prove it!" Offering to prove something without offering any real proof is a sign of deception, especially when you have not asked for proof.

7) A liar is always happy (relieved) to change the subject.

8) Sudden loss of hearing. Purposely misunderstanding what you said. Asking you to repeat yourself. Repeating your words back to you. These things give liars time to think on their feet.

9) Excessive or inappropriate sarcasm. Some people are more sarcastic than others, but liars seem to use this tool more than most.

10) When phrasing an accusation, say it like this: "I didn’t want to do this, but unless you are honest with me, I have no choice." A liar will respond with "do what?" His concern is about the consequences, what you are threatening to do. He needs to consider his options. An innocent person is not concerned with the options because he has nothing to confess.

11) Using "I would never" as support for the lie. "No, I didn’t sleep with her. I would never do a fat chick." This was one of the ogre’s classic signs—and yes, he did do the fat chick.

12) Prior history of lying. I made the mistake of thinking that if someone has been caught in a lie, they are more likely to tell the truth next time, because of the embarrassment of getting caught lying. Not so. With some people, lying is their natural and preferred way of dealing with people, regardless of how many times they get caught.

Another good piece of advice: when confronting someone, don’t offer up all your evidence at once. Seems really obvious, but I used to make this mistake all the time with my ex. The liar will concoct his story to match your evidence. But you can almost always catch the lie if you withhold some things while he goes into his explanation.

The Man Who Taught His Asshole to Talk

Benway: "Why not one all-purpose blob? Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and down, you dig, farting out the words. It was unlike anything I ever heard.

"This ass talk had a sort of gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell.

"This man worked for a carnival, you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventriloquist act. Real funny too, at first. He had a number he called 'The Better Ole' that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, 'Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?'

"'Nah! I had to go relieve myself.'

"After a while the ass started talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his ass would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time.

"Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and started eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk too, and have crying jags, nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time, day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him: 'It's you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we don't need you around here anymore. I can talk and eat and shit.'

"After that he began waking up in the morning with a transparent jelly like a tadpole's tail all over his mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T., Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed over, and the whole head would have amputated spontaneous -- (did you know there is a condition occurs in parts of Africa and only among Negroes where the little toe amputates spontaneously?) -- except for the eyes, you dig. That's one thing the asshole couldn't do was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain couldn't give orders any more. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes went out, and there was no more feeling in them than a crab's eye on the end of a stalk. "

~William Burroughs